Mickey My Darling!
by hearmelaugh
Summary: In which Lavi and Kanda are trying out a job in a fast-food outlet, Allen's a cheap date, and there is an attempted robbery. Things don't go smoothly, but at least the ice cream's creamy.


"Can I help you."

The gaggle of teenaged girls stopped chattering, falling into shocked silence in front of the counter.

They weren't _entirely _sure that was a question.

A pretty blond girl with chopsticks holding her hair in a bun cleared her throat. "Uh, umm, I'd like the medium Chicken McNuggets and a small Coke, please."

"You want fries with that."

The girl didn't, she was counting calories because that was the only way she could continue wearing short short skirts, but the dark-haired Asian man behind the counter didn't look like question marks existed for him.

So she nodded and paid for her lunch, crying internally at the amount of fat she would be ingesting as a result of hot, salty fries.

Her friends patted her back as she mournfully walked off with her tray, but each of them suffered a similar fate when it was their turn to be served.

When all of them were gathered around a little plastic table, the girls kicked off their lunch by tucking into fries that were so wrong (but _so right_) and bitching about that immovable server with the "Hi! Call me Kanda!" nametag.

Who was like, soooo annoying, omigawd, can you believe how he like, totally forced us into buying fries, huh?

And in a quieter mumble, the deep undercurrent of agreement between all the girls that, he's _totally_ got personality issues, right, but _dayum_, I'd tap that.

"Call me Kanda" was just a little bit gorgeous, yeah.

The manager would agree. "Yuu, it'll never cease t'amaze me, yeah, how y'get skinny chicks t'eat so much!"

"Shut the hell up, Lavi," Kanda growled, completely disregarding the fact that the customer he was getting a beef burger for could hear him.

"Yuu, I'm your superior in like, every way, yeah. I can totally suspend your sweet butt for talking like that t'me!"

Kanda snorted and chucked the burger into a paper bag, and scowling down the man he was serving when he asked for extra condiments. "It's not a bloody charity, man, you don't need so much ketchup. It's going to rot your teeth."

The man backed down with a look of absolute meekness, and Lavi shoved Kanda away and grinned at him. "Sorry, man, Yuu's scared of tomatoes. Have as much ketchup as y'want!"

It was magnificent how the customer, the actual, _paying_ customer, sent Kanda a questioning look before nodding nervously.

"McD loves you, man!" Lavi shouted at his retreating, hurrying back.

Kanda elbowed Lavi out of the way. "Fuck off, bastard, don't mess near my counter."

"With 'n attitude like that, d'you wonder why you're never employee of the month?"

"Die, Lavi."

"Oh, you've said that f'years, Yuu, 'nd it's still not happened."

"Biding my fucking time, Lavi. I'm going to take pleasure in your death."

"You do that, mmhmm, but just go 'nd serve other people in the meanwhile, please."

Kanda's eye twitched, but he turned to resume his post.

Lavi walked by and swatted Kanda's bum.

Then he walked by the other cashier, a big macho bloke called Marie, and slapped _him_ on the ass too, so while Kanda wanted to knee Lavi in the groin, it was obvious that there was something wrong _psychologically_with Lavi, so he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Just fifteen more minutes till the end of his shift, so Kanda ignored the not-straight-in-the-head manager and focused on the couple that were in front of him.

The boy looked nervous, while the girl was smiling so brightly Kanda wanted a dimmer switch on her. They were an odd couple; for one thing, the girl was Chinese and unusually tall, a good couple of inches taller than her boyfriend. Kanda couldn't see her feet, but guessed she was wearing heels. Girls seemed to be really into uncomfortable footwear. And the boy had bright white hair. Like, white-washed white.

It was like an anti dye job, thought Kanda.

But worse _even _than that,

"You brought your girlfriend to _McfuckingDonald's_ on a date?" Because Kanda felt insulted on the girl's behalf. Fast food, for a date, seriously? Cheap bastards like that shouldn't be allowed to procreate.

The boy looked like someone had caught him in the middle of a heinous act (which, if you ask Kanda, he had), eyes wide and shifty with guilt. "I must say I've not the vaguest idea what you're talking about, ah, Kanda."

"Right. If you whip out a coupon at me I'm making her break up with you." A little bit of Asian solidarity maybe, but Kanda's always been a silent feminist. He was a guy, and occasionally despaired at his bits. Lady-chans would be better off on their own, for certain.

The girl giggled. "Don't worry, ah, Kanda, I'm the one who wanted to come here. I felt like a McFlurry, and dragged Allen in. And Allen _will_ flap a coupon at you, because we're hungry but we're students, okay?"

Allen smirked, and Kanda decided to exert his power. "I'm preparing your food, so think twice before you try and be smart. Now. Can I help you." Since he was paid to say "can" and "help" in quick succession, he would say it, but the girl would be the one to receive it, not Allen.

"Lenalee, we should report him to someone for being so rude!"

The girl grinned. "He's working in McDonald's, cut him some slack, Allen. I want a McFlurry, and some fries. And a large coke. Allen?"

Kanda's fingers flew over the screen, tapping out the order. It was late evening, so there weren't many people; at least the odd couple were mildly entertaining.

"Ah, right. Kanda, you certain you can keep up?"

Kanda pressed the button for a Coke so hard there was a sharp 'tap'! sound. "Fucking try me, boy."

"As you wish," Allen smiled darkly. "Two chocolates sundaes, three apple pies, one Quarter Pounder, two large fries, two beef burgers, a double cheeseburger, two chicken McDeluxes, a-"

"This is a hold-up!"

_Thank fucking God_, thought Kanda, who otherwise would've punched Allen for being an almighty freakin' fat-faced fat fat fattie.

At that point, Kanda was the only one who was unperturbed; everyone else was rather occupied by the man with the gun.

Kanda was riding on the mild displeasure of having to serve Allen the Endless Glutton and was more irritated that him taking down the orders so magically efficiently had been stopped in its tracks.

"Fuck, man," he shouted, one hand curved over the top of the screen, the other massaging his temples. "You want to rob a fucking _fast food restaurant_. The hell. You'd be better off checking your goddamned jeans' pockets. Have some class!"

The robber managed to convey surprise through the eye and mouth holes of the balaclava, and no one else in the restaurant could blame him for it. They were staring at Kanda themselves.

Belatedly the Japanese boy realised that despite his personal preference, that was not how one addressed some desperate man with a gun. But Kanda's pride will not bow to Kanda's sense of logic, and rather than grovel as one usually would, Kanda got _offended_. "_What_," he snapped, glaring at everyone. Even the robber took a step back, before remembering the weapon of mild destruction in his hand and stepping forward again.

Lavi shuffled to Kanda's side, smiling cheerily with his hands in the air, looking _suspiciously_ delighted. _Very_suspiciously delighted. "I'm the manager here, robbing gentleman sir, yeah, 'nd please excuse m'Kanda Yuu, he's got the good manners of that lizard, yeah, the one that squirts blood out its eye when it's pissed. Unless underneath that mask you're a chick. Then he'll be total butter, man. Yuu's crazy that-a-way!"

Lenalee's startled, understanding "Oh!" was overshadowed by Kanda's passionate disapproval. "Bleeding eye lizard? The fuck, Lavi!"

"'s called a regal horny lizard, I think. Does it suit Yuu or what?"

"I think it's regal _horned_ lizard, sir." Allen squirmed when everyone's attention shifted to him. "Ah, uhm, excuse me, sorry. I'm a Zoology student, so, ah, forgive my pickiness."

The robber realised that this was _not_ the way a usual robbery would proceed. He didn't have any previous experience, not really, but there couldn't be _any _reason for a conversation regarding bloody reptiles to pop up when he's got a gun trained on a bunch of people.

"Shut up! All of you! Give me all your money! All of it!" He waved his gun wildly around, scaring the people who were still in line as they flinched and half-ducked.

Faced with a demand like that, obviously everyone dove for their wallets.

Then Lavi interrupted. "Hey, dude!" he shouted at the frantic man. "These good men 'nd ladies haven't eaten yet! 's kinda mean t'take their money when they're hungry." Lavi made it sound like a cardinal sin, worse than coveting thy neighbour.

Kanda had always known Lavi had a burning, passionate love for food, and had always wondered why the idiot chose to work in a fast food restaurant of all places. Enigmatic, except Kanda just put it down to Lavi's mild insanity.

"You, you... You do know I'm robbing you guys, right?"

"You're robbing the fucking Golden Arches. What, you want us to respect you?"

"I'll rule by fear then!" The man shot into the ceiling. Lavi just leaned forward to peer through the small hole.

"God, that's going t'leak."

"Lavi, you're the fucking manager, not a bloody roofer."

"'m handy, yeah."

"Listen to me! I've got a gun!"

Lenalee piped in. "Yes, but you didn't have to destroy property. You did just waste a bullet, and Kanda's a little scary, and if you run out of ammo after pissing him off he might spit in your food and choke you with it."

"Oh, wow, Yuu, is that y'girlfriend or somethin'? She knows y'so well! And man, listen to the lovely lady, yeah? Yuu's totally badass."

A stomach grumbled before the robber could reply. Allen coughed into a fist, face red with embarrassment. "I'm a little hungry, so very sorry to have interrupted your face-off. Oh, do please continue." He dropped his voice, but in its entire history this McDonald's has never been so silence, so _everyone_ could hear. "Lenalee, do you have anything for me to munch on?"

The Chinese girl looked thoughtful for a moment before holding a finger out to signal an excuse me, before digging around in her bag. "Ah!" she declared triumphantly. "I have a muffin I packed this morning for class. It's vanilla, Allen, is that alright?"

The boy beamed and sang a polite 'Thank you!'

Lavi leaned close to whisper into Kanda's ear. "There's a total lack'f a feelin' of crisis, isn't there?"

Kanda whispered back, though it was only because he suspected a loud sound might make the (other) idiot a little trigger-happy. "It's hard to be scared of an idiot. Idiot."

"Yuu, you're being redundant."

"No, no I'm not."

"That's it!" The gentleman in black roared, any vestige of self-control lost in this sea of deeply odd characters. "If I don't get some money soon, I'm going to kill someone! Seriously! You're going to get it!" The gun was swung to face Lavi, who finally had the decency to look a little bit concerned.

Allen was starting to feel worried. It hadn't dawned yet until then that there was a madman with a firearm, and he was now aiming it at the manager. "Sir? You can have my wallet, if you want, but _please _do not threaten anyone. Kanda's the one who annoyed you anyways, so it'd be very unpleasant should you take it out on anyone else."

The man held his hand out for it, and Allen passed him his wallet.

Lenalee groaned. "Oh, Allen."

And Kanda didn't get why, thinking that maybe there was an embarrassing picture of her in it or something.

Until the wallet was flipped open and perused, and it was discovered that there was_ fuck all money in it_.

Allen faced the eyes peering out from behind black material head-on. "There are some coins in the side pocket. And a bus pass. You could probably pass yourself off as Allen Walker."

"Where's the fucking money, you son of a bitch?"

Allen scowled. "Don't use words like that in front of Lenalee! I use a debit card, mostly. I get extorted a lot when I carry cash. It's... slightly ironic, in this case, isn't it?"

His girlfriend shook his head. "Allen, there're times when your British sense of humour is _totally_ inappropriate."

"I think it's totally sexy!"

"Thank you, umm..."

"Lavi! Call me Lavi!"

"Thank you, Lavi."

The robber snarled, and unfortunately Lavi, by virtue of having red hair and the personality of an exploding sun giggling, made his way into his sights.

"I'm making you a fucking example, you asshole!"

The gun went off.

But the might of Kanda's wrath was not insignificant, even in comparison to a little metal projectile moving ever so fast.

Kanda's snarl, many people would report to the police later, had been scarier even than the sound of the gunshot.

Lavi, who had looked shocked that someone had had the _audacity_ to attack him, had gone flying to meet the floor after having been kicked down by Kanda.

The robber was... immediately incapacitated.

By?

Kanda ripping the chained-down donation collection box, heavy with coins, from the counter and throwing it with the full force of his fury behind it with deadly accuracy.

It hit the man right between the eyes, his first concussion, his second one arriving when he slammed his head against the floor.

Lavi scrabbled to his feet, before whistling. "Yuu, y'_really _never fail t'amaze me, God."

"The fucker should know better than to mess with me." Lavi counted, by proximity.

Allen meanwhile was prying his wallet out of the unconscious grip, while Lenalee checked to make sure Kanda hadn't accidentally-on-purpose killed the man. She rose to her feet, and clapped her hands. "Not dead, people, no worries."

When she moved to rest her hands on her waist...

The glass doors were kicked open.

"HANDS UP MOTHERFUCKERS!"

It was a testament to the severity of the experience of the day that a young teenaged boy, who had been sitting motionless throughout the whole ordeal, completely ignored the explosive entry of the police and carried on eating his half-eaten Happy Meal.

Lavi saluted. "Fuck, Cross, y'kinda took too long. Yuu's already kicked butt. I'd get you an ice cream, but there're loads of people who've been in line f'_years_!"

Kanda gave Lavi A Look. "What the fuck, Lavi. When the hell did you call Cross?"

Lavi grinned. "I was in the kitchen, yeah, when the guy burst in. I just called the station, 'nd Hevi connected me t'Cross. I don't know why he's late, though. I almost got shot!"

Cross shrugged, moving the lit cigarette from one side of his lips to the other. "Got hungry on the way, went and got a sandwich. Stop bitching."

"'m pretty sure that's illegal, Cross, seriously."

"Me being hungry's fucking illegal, Lavi. Shut the hell up, bitch queen knocked 'im out."

Lavi lunged at Kanda to stop him from throwing another donation box at Cross. "Oi, man, don't say shit like that to m'Yuu. He saved me, yeah! Now be a good coppy-copter 'nd cuff 'im up, or somethin'."

Cross prodded the limp body with the tip of his shoe.

"He's not getting up soon, Kanda's got the throwing arm of a bloody gorilla. Where's the line? I want me some McMuffin."

"Yeah, you're like, _hours_too late for that, Cross."

"Hmm?" The roguish policeman tilted his head to one side, long red ponytail swinging. "Fuck. Whatever. I'll just get something else. Oi, where's the line?"

At his bark the rest of the shocked, milling people organised themselves back into the lines they were in before the incident.

Cross carried on smoking like a chimney at the back of the line, standing almost directly in front of the non-smoking sign.

Lenalee and Allen faced Lavi and Kanda.

"...How come you know the police so well?" Lenalee was really, really curious. It didn't seem like a normal relationship (though perhaps what was most surprising was how they, as a collective, seemed to be recovering so very, very well after being attacked by a gunman. Lenalee thought that maybe, the way Lavi and Kanda and Cross looked so completely unfazed by the whole thing kept a cap on the panic.)

(They were strong and reassuring, weren't they?)

Lavi smiled at her. "Wait a bit, yeah?" He cupped his hands to his mouth, and shouted out. "Hey, everyone! Everyone gets free ice cream for bein' so brave! 'nd if y'don't feel well, if you're still shaky 'nd a little bit scared, call 'nd I'll come runnin' t'help. Is that okay?"

A cheer erupted from everyone in the restaurant, and Lavi made a mock-bow. "The rest of the police'll be along soon, I think, t'get statements 'nd stuff. If y'co-operate, you totally count 's a star t'me! We're lovin' it, yeah?"

It sounded like a rock star offering an encore to an adoring crowd.

The adoring crowd responds accordingly.

Lavi cooed at them before returning his attention to Lenalee.

"Before me 'nd Yuu worked here, we tried being cops. We were in Cross' squad, 'nd we went a little batshit insane on this gang that'd done some pretty nasty things. Cross got us off from gettin' sued for brutality, yeah, but we got kicked out."

Lenalee's mouth was an 'O' in surprise. "You guys have a pretty interesting back story."

The redhead grinned, slinging an arm around Kanda's shoulder and draping himself over the Japanese man. "We're interestin' people, Lenalee. 'nd Kanda's kick-ass awesome, so it's all gorgey."

"Does this sort of thing happen often?"

"Of course not. People usually aren't stupid enough to try and rob bloody fast food restaurants." Kanda didn't bother shoving Lavi off.

Lavi's grin showed teeth. "Stay back a bit if y'want t'hang out with us; our shift's over in a bit, 'nd you guys seem totally magnificent, 'nd-"

Lavi would have carried on, but was called away by Marie. There was a young woman who was standing in front of the unmanned counter next to Marie's, shaking and looking much too pale for her own health.

And while Kanda usually thought Lavi had more style than substance, in this case (among many others, he had to admit, unhappily) when Lavi said he would help, it was because he actually _could_.

Kanda observed as Lavi's cooing and gentle kidding and smiles and comforting posture gradually brought colour back to the woman.

A lot of eyes were riveted too, and it was a _beautiful_ moment.

Until Cross shouted out from the back, "Hurry the hell up! I have bad people to beat up!"

Allen smiled at Kanda. "Lenalee, do you want to stay and meet the heroes?"

Lenalee smiled back, before wrapping her hands around Allen's arm (Allen blushed, because PDAs disturbed and excited him simultaneously to a great degree). "Sounds like a good idea, Allen."

The pale boy nodded.

Kanda was pretty sure he should feel _horrified_at the thought of being stuck with Allen and Lenalee after this, but Lavi had offered the invitation, so there wasn't much he could do about it.

Well, Lavi had good taste in people. They probably didn't suck as much as _other_ people (except Kanda has never been bothered to expend his attention on people _other_ than the people Lavi forced onto him, so he couldn't really make a comparison). Kanda was resigned to his Lavi-impacted fate.

Allen cleared his throat.

"Now, Kanda, about my order. Where was I?"

...

Written for hakasha off of livejournal ages upon ages ago. Hey guys, still alive! EF is almost done, so consider this a please-bear-me present. RL has been really really unpleasant, thus the long absence, but this fic is meant to inspire happy moments, so happy we shall be c: Hope everyone's been well, and a shout-out to Dem for asking me to post this, and to people born on October the first!


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